It’s hard when you come eye to eye with traits in your personality you wish didn’t exist. Maybe you know they’re there and you work around them…sometimes better able to control them than others.
Friends and I have talked about the effort it takes to teach our kids, and especially our ones who are sick, to get off that platform of self-entitlement. It’s difficult when people are constantly patting you on the back and telling you what a good big brother and sister you are, how strong and brave you are, when you’re inundated with cards or gifts or tokens of love every time you so much as fart.
And it’s not that I’m not thankful for that, don’t get me wrong…they DO deserve to be acknowledged for being brave, for surviving the impact of cancer in our lives, for managing to weather three years of hell and not come out the other side as complete and total punks.
Yet, they aren’t allowed to just assume that because they breathe they deserve.
You are not celebrities or royalty…and the main thing that I dislike about celebrities and royalty IS that innate sense of self-entitlement.
I AM therefore I DESERVE.
Scrolling through my Google reader, I pause on a blog post from one of my most favoritest writers, Casey at Moosh In Indy. She wrote about comparing yourself to others and finding fault in what you have because it’s not what others have and learning not to define yourself by “where you are” in your life…but by the quality of faith and love with which you live it.
For some reason…it didn’t even really have anything to do with this…it slapped me in the face like a wet towel.
I have been so busy worrying about my kids looking like GIMMEGIMMEGIMME jerks, I may have forgotten to take a self-reflective moment and recognize that in myself.
And it hit me HARD that I’ve been THAT self-entitled jerk regarding this house and my expectations of life now that Peyton’s ended treatment.
I can truly sum it up in the house-buying effort.
I want that big, shiny, wonderful, lovely house with the sparkly goodness in every nook and cranny. I want the big yard where I can watch the kids build forts and play raucously. I want the nice neighborhood with it’s mini-van brigade and the apple pie home-yness of it all. I want the slick transition into a normal life.
WE deserve it. I deserve it. My husband deserves it. My children sure as hell deserve it. We have been through so much.
We had plans before she got sick. We had goals and a spreadsheet and EXPECTATIONS. And they all fell by the wayside when our situation became so much bigger than us. Our only goal was to get her through treatment…and keep our family intact. Peter and I took turns whispering, “Don’t leave me, k?” We sometimes overhugged our kids to try to reinforce with the strength of our arms the love in our hearts that we didn’t always have or TAKE the time to say.
And now that it’s “over”?
We deserve some happiness and joy. We deserve to be a family and just love each other more every day.
However, it’s been a struggle for me to come to grips with the fact that it doesn’t mean we deserve the Barbie Dream House. It doesn’t mean we HAVE to have new furniture. Nowhere did we sign the contract that said if we got through it we got to be a complete jerk about what we felt we’d been shortchanged.
And by “we”, you all know I truly mean “I”.
The clouds parted and, although it took a considerable amount of mental KY jelly and Crisco, I managed to pull my head out of my own butt.
I HAVE everything I ever prayed for…I GOT everything I ever needed.
I have more than so many.
My daughter is alive…when so many we know (and don’t know) didn’t win their cancer battle.
I have my marriage…we watched too many families split apart from the strain.
My family is amazing…I’ve seen the effects of this experience transform people.
I have the support of an army of friends…an unexpected but tremendous blessing.
I have this blog…it’s been a lifeline and a dumping ground and a safe haven, and without it the army of friends I mentioned would be much smaller.
My husband has a job…nothing to scoff at when millions of family are facing financial devastation.
We have options and the ability to make plans and start setting goals and anticipating the future.
I have faith that God has us firmly where we are supposed to be right now and if we keep on trusting Him things will work out.
So, today I got the news that we aren’t going to get that house…we may, in fact, have to rent something smaller and less exciting and not the shiny brass ring I’d hoped for at the end of a long, tiring ride.
I am SO ok with that.
In a way I didn’t think I would be.
But enough that I’m actually pretty proud of myself.
Which, I suppose, is a post for another day. *sigh* It’s hard being me.
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Still giving away that HP Photosmart All-In-One Wireless Printer! And a lot of you got thee hence and entered, but it’ll be open for entry until Feb 3, so just get used to hearing about it!
